1. Percy Harvin. Being a VIkings fan is just that bad. We’re talking about a team that is 0-9 in the final four. In a five year stretch in the 70s they lost three SBs and one NFC Championship game and were knocked out of the playoffs on a blatant, uncalled push off by Drew Pearson during a play that generated the term “Hail Mary”. They lost to the Saints in ’09 in the most poorly officiated game in sports history because they had 12 guys in the huddle. 12 guys in the huddle. Guess what? Turns out the Saints cheated. In ’98 they missed going to the SB with an offense that would have DESTROYED Denver because a guy who hadn’t missed a kick all season missed a THIRTY EIGHT YARD FG IN A DOME and ruined all of our lives forever. Percy Harvin running the opening kickoff back for a TD would just be another appropriate piece in our narrative of suffering.
2. Racism. No one ever calls a white guy a “thug.” Thug is just what racist people who can’t say (you know the word) say when they really want to say (you know the word). Richard Sherman is a “thug”, huh? Okay, maybe not so much a reason they’ll win but a decent reason to root for them if you don’t otherwise care. Just think of all those stupid rednecks rooting for the great white hope and dropping N bombs every time Richard Sherman is on the screen.
3. Karmic retribution for Peyton Manning murdering Austin Collie’s career. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only person who remembers wincing in painful anticipation every time it looked like Manning was audibling into a slant when Collie was in the slot. For some mysterious reason, he continuously led him into jarring hits by slightly overthrowing Collie right into the hardest hitting Safeties and LBs in the league. All this despite the fact that Collie had already been knocked unconscious by the same play multiple times. How many times do we have to see the same guy carted off the field in a neck brace on a stretcher before you stop calling that play? Don’t worry about it, Peyton. Why don’t you just spend the TV timeout looking at ‘All-22’ photos of previous plays while doctors from both teams try to stabilize his spinal column and his family freaks out in a suite 40 yards behind you? It was as if he hated Austin Collie. Maybe he just cared more about picking up 7 yards on 2nd and 6 than Austin Collie’s ability to have a normal future without agonizing health concerns. Nobody ever calls Peyton Manning a thug.